Mark's Thoughts, Musings and Just Plain Cool Stuff: June 2005

Thursday, June 30, 2005

Humor - Actual 911 Calls

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Hi, is this the Police?
Dispatcher: This is 9-1-1. Do you need police assistance?
Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Fire or emergency?Caller: Fire, I guess.Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?Caller: I was wondering.....does the fire department put snow chains on their trucks?Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?
Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on my tires and... well.. do you think the fire department could come over and help me?
Dispatcher: Help you what?
Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

Pictures From My Sister's Anniversary Blowout

I love calling party's blowouts. It's not a word you get to use often enough! ;-)
What consititutes a blowout anyway?

From left to right - my sister Dawn, my brother-in-law Tom's sister Mitzi, her husband Tom and my brother-in-law Tom

My niece Randee and her husband Mike

From left to right - my nephew Scott's wife Gail, my nephew Scott, my nephew Curt's wife Michele and my nephew Curt.

My great-nice Bridgette eating cake. This is my niece Randee's youngest daughter.

Not shown:

Gail and Scott's two daughters - Abigail and Sarah

Randee and Mike other 2 children - Kelsey and Benjamin

Michele and Curt's two daughters - Haley and Kelly

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Last Couple O' Days

Had a great extended weekend!

On Saturday we went to a graduation party at our friends house Cindy and Stash for their son Danny. Food was good, but more important the company was great. It's always nice seeing friends that you don't see often and getting together in a casual social setting to just plain simple... shoot the bullcrap!

Sunday came along and after during yardwork in the hot sun, we went to my sister Dawn and her husband Tom's wedding anniversary party. They have been married 45 years! God Bless them! My brother-in-law threw the party at a mexican restaurant - El Meson Mexican Restaurant in Schaumburg. Char and I dined on the El Meson Combination dinner. It consisted of a seasoned skirt steak, a chicken taco and a chicken enchilada. Very tasty!

Monday, I took the day off. We took a ride into Chicago and went to the Museum of Science and Industry. Went to the Body Worlds exhibit. This exhibit feature real human specimens without skin showing the muscles, nerves, veins and organs. This is a must see for everyone. It is on through September 5, 2005. We also went to the Omnimax theater to see a movie "the Human Body". We also saw Toymaker 3000, Yesterday's Main Street, Robots Like US and a great exhibit visiting from UCLA called the Virtual 1893 Chicago Worlds Fair. It is a computer simulation using a system called the Urban Simulator. This takes you on a virtual tour of the fair, also called the Columbian Exposition. You can really get a sense of the grandour of the fair and all the marvels of architecture in the Victorian era. I am an avid fan of the Columbian Exposition and this was fantastic!

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Humor - T-Shirts

A WASHINGTON POST columnist runs a column each summer listing interesting WOMEN'S T-shirts observed at the Ocean City, Maryland beach.

1. I CHILDPROOFED MY HOUSE, BUT THEY STILL GET IN.

2. (On the front) 60 IS NOT OLD. (On the back) IF YOU'RE A TREE.

3. I'M STILL HOT... IT JUST COMES IN FLASHES.

4. AT MY AGE, "GETTING LUCKY" MEANS FINDING MY CAR IN THE PARKING LOT.

5. MY REALITY CHECK JUST BOUNCED.

6. LIFE IS SHORT. MAKE FUN OF IT.

7. I'M NOT 50. I'M $49.95 PLUS TAX.

8. ANNAPOLIS--A DRINKING TOWN WITH A SAILOR PROBLEM.

9. I NEED SOMEBODY BAD... ARE YOU BAD?

10. PHYSICALLY PFFFFFT!

11. BUCKLE UP. IT MAKES IT HARDER FOR THE ALIENS TO SNATCH YOU FROM YOUR CAR.

12. I'M NOT A SNOB. I'M JUST BETTER THAN YOU ARE.

13. IT'S MY CAT'S WORLD. I'M JUST HERE TO OPEN CANS.

14. EARTH IS THE INSANE ASYLUM OF THE UNIVERSE.

15. KEEP STARING....I MAY DO A TRICK.

16. WE GOT RID OF THE KIDS. THE CAT WAS ALLERGIC.

17. DANGEROUSLY UNDER-MEDICATED.

18. MY MIND WORKS LIKE LIGHTNING. ONE BRILLIANT FLASH AND IT'S GONE.

19. EVERY TIME I HEAR THE DIRTY WORD "EXERCISE", I WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH CHOCOLATE.

20. CATS REGARD PEOPLE AS WARM-BLOODED FURNITURE.

21. LIVE YOUR LIFE SO THAT WHEN YOU DIE, THE PREACHER WILL NOT HAVE TO TELL LIES AT YOUR FUNERAL.

22. IN GOD WE TRUST. ALL OTHERS WE POLYGRAPH

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Weekend Fun is Over

Had a wonderful weekend! Went out for Chinese food and played miniture golf on Saturday. My 4 children (puppies) and wife bought me a starter set of golf clubs and I went out with a couple of friends and played 9 holes on Sunday at Plum Tree National Golf Course in Harvard, IL. Didn't play well, but had a great time. The weather was perfect. Finished up Sunday with a delicious BBQ Rib dinner with friends, went home and crashed.

What I'm Listening To:

Styx - Big Band Theory
This album contains covers of classic rock songs. A interesting blend. I haven't been a big fan of Styx since Dennis DeYoung left the group, but this is worth a listen.

What I'm Reading:

Saturday, June 18, 2005

THE BEST HEADLINES OF 2004

THE BEST HEADLINES OF 2004:

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[Imagine that!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[Ya think?]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
[He probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by Seven Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead(Can you believe it?)

Friday, June 17, 2005

Accolo - Spicy Paris Parody Video

Accolo

This is the male answer to the Carl's Jr. Paris Hilton Commercial - Enjoy Ladies?

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Today is Car Show Night

Not much going on, except tonight is Classic Car Show Night in Downtown Crystal Lake. I will once again be one of the DJs for tonight's event. This will be my 3rd week in a row. I was brought out of retirement for the month of June, since the regular DJ was not available. Kinda feels good playing again.

If you live in the area and have never been to the Classic Car Night, it is a must to see. It is held every Thursday until Sept. 1 and features about 500-600 cars. This week will feature the 2005 Pontiac Performance Trailer with 4 race cars on it. It is being sponsered by The Gary Lang Auto Group. For more information, go to the Classic Car Night web site - http://www.downtowncl.org/Calendar%20of%20Events/classic_car_cruise_night.htm.

What I'm Reading:
'>Franenstein - Dean Koontz

What I'm Listening To:
'>Aquaria - Diane Arkenstone
'>Perfect Balance

What I'm Watching:
The Next Food Network Star - This is a fun show. It shows what goes on behind the scenes for all the cooking shows.
The 4400 - If you are into Sci-Fi and aliens, this is the show for you. We watched it last summer and got hooked. It's about the 4400 people who have disappeared over the last century and how they were returned to Earth with new and mysterious powers. Or maybe they never left Earth at all!

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Nature at it's finest. This is a picture of a Columbine flower in my back yard. I just thought the simple beauty of it was breathtaking. Remember, always stop and admire nature while you still can.

Saturday, June 11, 2005

Humor - Take it Back

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back.
My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
"I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands . It was very busy, with a full dining room.

While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while,so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."

Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No,"he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any... a true story... We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Now, didn't that feel good? Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

This is a fun game.

The directions are in Japanese, but it is pretty easy to figure it out!

Humor: I love those Aussies!

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, &
then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Here are some
actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots & the solutions
recorded by maintenance engineers. Never let it be said that ground crews
lack a sense of humor.
----------------------------------------
(P= The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)
***********************************************************************
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
----------------------------------------
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
----------------------------------------
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
----------------------------------------
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
----------------------------------------
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
----------------------------------------
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
----------------------------------------
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
----------------------------------------
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
---------------------------- ------------
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
----------------------------------------
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
----------------------------------------
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
----------------------------------------
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, & be serious.
----------------------------------------
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
----------------------------------------
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
---------------------------------------
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

Saturday, June 04, 2005

? The Joy of Tech! ?

? The Joy of Tech! ?

Dress Up Steve Jobs with this online paper doll site! Fun for the whole family.

Friday, June 03, 2005

Amazon.com Special Deals!

Thursday, June 02, 2005

When is the 'F' Word Acceptable?

When is @#$% Acceptable?
There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use.
They are as follows:
11. "What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?" -- Capt. E. J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10. "What the @#$% was that?" -- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" -- Custer, 1877 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." -- Einstein, 1938 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" -- Picasso, 1926 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras, 126 BC ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" -- Michelangelo, 1566 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4. "Where the @#$% are we?" -- Amelia Earhart, 1937 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!" -- Noah, 4314 BC ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" -- Bill Clinton, 1998 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
and a drum roll please............
X
X
X
X
X
X
1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad." -- Saddam Hussein, 2003

Mark's Thoughts, Musings and Just Plain Cool Stuff