Humor: I love those Aussies!

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, &
then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Here are some
actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots & the solutions
recorded by maintenance engineers. Never let it be said that ground crews
lack a sense of humor.
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(P= The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)
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P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
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P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
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P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
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P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
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P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
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P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
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P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
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P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
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P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
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P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
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P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
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P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, & be serious.
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P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
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P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
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P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget