For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity....
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor...
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered ahostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algaebra?
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war?
26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?
32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
Sunday, September 25, 2005
Friday, September 23, 2005
What Does Love Mean?
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:
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"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
Rebecca- age 8
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"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
Billy - age 4
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"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
Karl - age 5
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"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
Chrissy - age 6
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"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
Terri - age 4
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"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
Danny - age 7
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"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"
Emily - age 8
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"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
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"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,"
Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)
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"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
Noelle - age 7
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"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy - age 6
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"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
Cindy - age 8
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"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
Clare - age 6
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"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
Elaine-age 5
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"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
Chris - age 7
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"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."
Mary Ann - age 4
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"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
Lauren - age 4
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"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an image)
Karen - age 7
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"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."
Mark - age 6
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"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
Jessica - age 8
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And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.
The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.
Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry"
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"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
Rebecca- age 8
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
Billy - age 4
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
Karl - age 5
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
Chrissy - age 6
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
Terri - age 4
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
Danny - age 7
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"
Emily - age 8
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,"
Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
Noelle - age 7
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy - age 6
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
Cindy - age 8
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
Clare - age 6
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
Elaine-age 5
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
Chris - age 7
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."
Mary Ann - age 4
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
Lauren - age 4
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an image)
Karen - age 7
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."
Mark - age 6
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
Jessica - age 8
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.
The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.
Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry"
Johnny Appleseed Is Coming!
September 24, 2005 is the Johnny Appleseed Festival in Historic Downtown Crystal Lake. Come on down and have some great family fun! I will be the Disc Jockey for some of the events.
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Ji Lee Pleaseenjoy
Ji Lee printed 50,000 ballon stickers and placed them on poster all over New York. See what people wrote on them!
Thursday, September 15, 2005
Humor: They Walk Among Us!
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore. This one was from Kingman, KS.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. And he was a Kansas City chef!
IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened in Birmingham, Ala.
IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She ! was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, this is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip Back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office no less.
IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. And he was a Kansas City chef!
IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened in Birmingham, Ala.
IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She ! was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, this is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip Back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office no less.
IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Home Remedies
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost
instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the little woman about lifting the toilet seat by
simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a
few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a
timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will
be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will
forget about the toothache.
Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and
should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
Remember:
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know
when you might need them to empty your bedpan.
Monday, September 12, 2005
Labor Day Weekend
Had a great long weekend! Went to see the 2 bands on Saturday at the Summer Sunset Festival in Lake in the Hills. BritBeat A fantastic Beatles tribute band. They were the opening act for The Buckinghams. I have seen the Buckinghams 5-6 times over the last 20 years and this was by far the best performance I have ever seen. They had a 3 piece horn section with them that really made the show.
On Sunday, my nephew Sean was married to his Fiancee - Georgia. The ceremony was held at the Holy Trinity Greek Orthodox Church on Diversey in Chicago. The reception was held at the Bristol Court in Mount Prospect. Food was great and the company was even better! It is always great to have the entire family together for an event.
We went to my sister's on Monday for a BBQ. We dined on BBQ hamburgers, oriental salad and mandarin orange salad. We had some wonderful desserts and great conversation.
What I'm Watching:
On Sunday, my nephew Sean was married to his Fiancee - Georgia. The ceremony was held at the Holy Trinity Greek Orthodox Church on Diversey in Chicago. The reception was held at the Bristol Court in Mount Prospect. Food was great and the company was even better! It is always great to have the entire family together for an event.
We went to my sister's on Monday for a BBQ. We dined on BBQ hamburgers, oriental salad and mandarin orange salad. We had some wonderful desserts and great conversation.
What I'm Watching:
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